Struggling...

"Dismiss what insults your soul.” – Walt Whitman

I wanted to write a post about the snow and early school closings and making cookies with the kids. But I think that will have to wait until later.

I'm struggling with the need to tell someone off and violently shake their smug and minsinformed ideas of who I am and what a situation is. I'm struggling because although I have all sorts of brilliant things I could say that would level her, I know that the right thing to do is just not engage. Keep my trap shut and walk away. Even though I am once again being vilified and my name and reputation disparaged. I am struggling to do the right thing and help my husband instead of adding one more item to the tawdry mix. One more problem for him to deal with.

I am struggling so so very hard. But I'm keeping quiet. I'm trying to remember that you cannot change people's minds when they are already so deeply invested in their indignation and anger. I'm trying to remember that there is no workable outcome... no gain in any of this. These are not my friends, I do not want them to be my friends. They are fair weather friends, and gossiping hens. I would not associate with them if I was not related to them through marriage.

sigh...

It seems I've made a life of keeping quiet though. A life of swallowing so many words in so many different instances. In the end it has rendered me mute. I, who used to be prolific in my expression of self, to the point of absurdity. It was absurd. I was overly dramatic and absurd. But not these past 15 years. These past 15 years I can barely open my mouth to say how something makes me feel. To express frustration and anger.

"Let's not talk about our feelings, let's just tamp them down" has been my motto.

But this is my outlet. My voice out into the ether. And I need to learn to speak again...even if I cannot rage and cut them down to size. I have to be able to say to the world at large that who these people perceive me to be is so far removed from reality, it's ming boggling...comical...pathetic... sad... so so very sad.

I'm tired of being silent. I am tired of being the scapegoat. I am tired of walking away and turning the other cheek.

I know there is no other way. But at least I can say it here that I'm tired of it. Even if I don't post the brilliant and scathing post I wrote in a cathartic rush a day ago.

I can still say here that this is total, utter and complete BULLSHIT.

That felt better.